Never Again: Chapter 4

THIS POST IS THE FOURTH OF A SERIES OF POSTS IN WHICH I DESCRIBE A RELATIONSHIP I HAD WITH AN EMOTIONALLY AND SEXUALLY ABUSIVE MAN. CHAPTER 3 IS HERE AND THE REST OF THE SERIES CAN BE FOUND ON THE STORIES & SERIES PAGE. THANK YOU FOR READING, AND PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE THIS STORY SO THAT OTHERS CAN LEARN FROM MY EXPERIENCES INSTEAD OF NEEDING TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES. 

 

My job was boring. I was a staff scientist at an environmental consulting agency, and per the instructions of my overbearing manager, Angela, we used AIM Pro for intraoffice communications. I also used it for personal correspondence.

“What would we name our kids?” Eli asked me one day over instant messenger as I mindlessly entered potential clients’ information into a spreadsheet.

“I don’t know… I could see us having a daughter.”

“I’d love a daughter. But you know I’d be so protective.”

“Not as protective…”

“…as you!”

We both laughed.

He continued, “You’d come home one day and ask where she is, and I’d be like, ‘Um… She was right here,’ and we would go out and see her eating tomatoes in the garden.”

“Who eats plain whole tomatoes?!” I laughed.

“I did! She would get it from me!” he insisted.

“She’d have pigtails.”

“And your green eyes.”

“Green eyes aren’t inherited, they’re a mutation.”

“Whatever. She’d look like you.”

“I like the name Abbie.”

“But hyphenated with something.”

“Yeah…”

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Have you written memoirs?

The first chapter was easy, describing how we met and how it started.

Chapters 2 and 3 have been really tough, depicting the slow slide into the realm of an unhealthy relationship.

I don’t know how many chapters it will ultimately be. I haven’t even gotten to the really fucked up shit yet. For the first time in a long, long time I find myself crying about it.

While I write it, I’m emotionless- I’m trying to search for the right words to make you feel what I want you to feel. But then after, I read it over and it hits me- this is real. It happened. It happened to me.

How do you deal with the emotions dredged up when you write memoirs?

No, really, that’s not rhetorical, I’m asking you. What do you do about it?

Prompt me! What should my next post be about?

Prompt me.

Be suggestive.

Be evocative.

Be wily, insightful, humorous, or just be you. What do you want to see on this blog?

Following the example of one of my new favorite blogs, Writing to Survive, I want to begin writing a weekly short-ish piece based off of a randomly selected prompt. 

A prompt can be anything at all- a word, a quote, a current event, or maybe even a question. It’s useful for me because it helps expand my experience as a writer, and it appeals to my creative and slightly chaotic impulses.

I invite you, as my readers, to suggest a prompt using my Contact form, or by leaving a comment at the end of this post. I will always attribute the post to the person who prompted it, so if you need to be incentivized, then there’s publicity in it for you!