Never Again: Chapter 5

THIS POST IS THE FIFTH OF A SERIES OF POSTS IN WHICH I DESCRIBE A RELATIONSHIP I HAD WITH AN EMOTIONALLY AND SEXUALLY ABUSIVE MAN. CHAPTER 4 IS HERE AND THE REST OF THE SERIES CAN BE FOUND ON THE STORIES & SERIES PAGE. THANK YOU FOR READING, AND PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE THIS STORY SO THAT OTHERS CAN LEARN FROM MY EXPERIENCES INSTEAD OF NEEDING TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES.

I was getting sicker. Waking up for work was becoming more impossible than the standard Monday blues. My first thought in the morning when I woke up and sat up was routinely, “I’m just too exhausted to get through today,” and I would need to seriously consider whether any of it was worth it at all. When I had to visit clients or sites for work, I would take a nap in my car in a supermarket parking lot afterwards, and tell my manager Angela that there had been traffic on the way back. I was listless, my cheeks becoming hollower by the day, my hair wasn’t growing anymore, my skin was pallid and my lips such a dull pink as to be nearly grey.  It seemed like every food made me sick, so I wasn’t eating. I didn’t know what to eat and I began to become fearful of the negative effects, so I simply abstained.

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‘Why Does He DO That?’ is a life-altering book about abuse, and you need to read it

I’m not too shy to admit that I was once in an abusive relationship. I share my story freely because I never want anybody else, man or woman, to experience what I experienced. It breaks my heart to see people in unhealthy relationships, and to see the excuses they make for themselves and their abusers.

Why Does He DO That?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men  is a 5-star rated book by Lundy Bancroft that changes the lives of abuse victims. Lundy Bancroft is a therapist who has made a career of studying abusive men, and he designed the rehabilitative program for abusers that is implemented worldwide.

The Amazon synopsis:

“He doesn’t mean to hurt me-he just loses control.”
“He can be sweet and gentle.”
“He’s scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he’s a great father.”
“He’s had a really hard life…”

Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men and change their own lives. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor shows how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship, with:

The early warning signs
Nine abusive personality types
How to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will
The role of drugs and alcohol
What can be fixed, and what can’t
How to leave a relationship safely

And an excerpt for you:

Why does he do that

Never Again: Chapter 4

THIS POST IS THE FOURTH OF A SERIES OF POSTS IN WHICH I DESCRIBE A RELATIONSHIP I HAD WITH AN EMOTIONALLY AND SEXUALLY ABUSIVE MAN. CHAPTER 3 IS HERE AND THE REST OF THE SERIES CAN BE FOUND ON THE STORIES & SERIES PAGE. THANK YOU FOR READING, AND PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE THIS STORY SO THAT OTHERS CAN LEARN FROM MY EXPERIENCES INSTEAD OF NEEDING TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES. 

 

My job was boring. I was a staff scientist at an environmental consulting agency, and per the instructions of my overbearing manager, Angela, we used AIM Pro for intraoffice communications. I also used it for personal correspondence.

“What would we name our kids?” Eli asked me one day over instant messenger as I mindlessly entered potential clients’ information into a spreadsheet.

“I don’t know… I could see us having a daughter.”

“I’d love a daughter. But you know I’d be so protective.”

“Not as protective…”

“…as you!”

We both laughed.

He continued, “You’d come home one day and ask where she is, and I’d be like, ‘Um… She was right here,’ and we would go out and see her eating tomatoes in the garden.”

“Who eats plain whole tomatoes?!” I laughed.

“I did! She would get it from me!” he insisted.

“She’d have pigtails.”

“And your green eyes.”

“Green eyes aren’t inherited, they’re a mutation.”

“Whatever. She’d look like you.”

“I like the name Abbie.”

“But hyphenated with something.”

“Yeah…”

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Have you written memoirs?

The first chapter was easy, describing how we met and how it started.

Chapters 2 and 3 have been really tough, depicting the slow slide into the realm of an unhealthy relationship.

I don’t know how many chapters it will ultimately be. I haven’t even gotten to the really fucked up shit yet. For the first time in a long, long time I find myself crying about it.

While I write it, I’m emotionless- I’m trying to search for the right words to make you feel what I want you to feel. But then after, I read it over and it hits me- this is real. It happened. It happened to me.

How do you deal with the emotions dredged up when you write memoirs?

No, really, that’s not rhetorical, I’m asking you. What do you do about it?

Never Again: Chapter 3

THIS POST IS THE THIRD OF A SERIES OF POSTS IN WHICH I DESCRIBE A RELATIONSHIP I HAD WITH AN EMOTIONALLY AND SEXUALLY ABUSIVE MAN. CHAPTER 2 IS HERE AND THE REST OF THE SERIES CAN BE FOUND ON THE STORIES & SERIES PAGE. THANK YOU FOR READING, AND PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE THIS STORY SO THAT OTHERS CAN LEARN FROM MY EXPERIENCES INSTEAD OF NEEDING TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES. 

There wasn’t much that I could eat without getting sick, so Eli boiled plain white rice while I sat on the couch trying to avoid eye contact with Lucy. She was still mentally confined to the corner but following our every motion with her eyes, and would occasionally whine gently or optimistically wag her tail in the hopes that she would be released.

Eli exited the kitchen with a bowl of rice for me, a glass of neat scotch for himself, and joined me on the couch. I nudged him and gestured toward the dog, but he ignored me and turned on the television. After a while I asked if I could borrow his laptop to e-mail my parents and let them know I had arrived safely. I browsed the Internet and ate my rice while he sipped scotch and watched the news.

When we were both ready for bed, he finally allowed Lucy to move and give me my greeting, commanding her “COME!” as we walked up the stairs to the bedroom. She wasn’t allowed on the bed, but after nearly licking my face raw with her ebullience, she settled on the floor and we climbed under the covers. Eli spooned me from behind, one hand cupping my butt and the other resting between my breasts.

In the morning, Eli told me he wanted to show me something. He led me downstairs to his study and asked me what I thought. Continue reading

Never Again: Chapter 2

THIS POST IS THE SECOND OF A SERIES OF POSTS IN WHICH I DESCRIBE A RELATIONSHIP I HAD WITH AN EMOTIONALLY AND SEXUALLY ABUSIVE MAN. CHAPTER 1 IS HERE AND THE REST OF THE SERIES CAN BE FOUND ON THE STORIES & SERIES PAGE. THANK YOU FOR READING, AND PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE THIS STORY SO THAT OTHERS CAN LEARN FROM MY EXPERIENCES INSTEAD OF NEEDING TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES. 

It was two weeks before Christmas, and Eli had driven up north to stay for the weekend and give me my Christmas gift. He wouldn’t tell me what it was.

He was due in before I got home from work that Friday, so I told him where the hide-a-key was and encouraged him to make himself at home.  That evening, he let me into my house and took me to the bathroom where he had drawn a bath, complete with scented candles and aromatic salts.

This was just the first part, he told me, closing the door so that I could undress and fully relax.

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Never Again: Chapter 1

This post is the first of a series of posts in which I describe a relationship I had with an emotionally and sexually abusive man- how I came to be in that relationship, why I stayed, why I left, and how I slowly and painstakingly rebuilt myself afterwards. It’s all true, as told from my personal perspective, with names and places changed to preserve identities and allow me full freedom of expression without fear of ramification. The rest of the series can be found on the Stories & Series page. Thank you for reading, and please feel free to share this story so that others can learn from my experiences instead of needing to make the same mistakes. 


I don’t lie, as a general rule. I do my best to phrase my truths diplomatically, although sometimes I fail and what comes out is too blunt, but I would rather be forgiven for bluntness than for lying. To me, it’s the one and only immediate deal-breaker for a relationship. I’ve come to realize that, to me, it really is an unforgivable sin.

But I did lie, once.

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